The D Word

Depression is unlike anything else I've ever experienced in my life. It makes you question everything. At times I even question how long I've been depressed; perhaps I always was and never knew it.

When depression comes, it takes a while to realize it. Sometime in the night, against your will, a thick dark blanket covered your shoulders. This blanket is much like the security blanket you had when you were a child; at times you may set it down but it is never far from you. This blanket is heavy, it weighs you down and you often find your self lagging. On some days you struggle to accomplish the simplest of tasks, such as getting out of bed.

Depression is not something you discuss with everyone. When I did, I lost friends who accused me of 'crying out for attention'. I fail to see how this is a problem. I absolutely was crying out for a type of attention: "help". I wanted someone to help me discover a way to take the blanket off of my shoulders for more than a day at a time. The problem is that I asked the wrong people. You absolutely should discuss depressed feelings with some people. The only thing worse than everyone knowing, is nobody knowing. You cannot face depression alone.

Depression is lonely. The truth is, not everyone can understand depression. This is because although similiar, it is never the same. Each of us faces our own demons that create our depression and as a result depression is not duplicated within two different people. When I was in the height of my depression, I often wanted to be alone in a way that is different from many other depressed people. I wanted to be surrounded by strangers. I would ride the bus around my city all day long. I would go sit in a crowded mall food court for 5 hours and read a book from start to finish. I would sit on a park bench and simply watch the people around me. For me, there was comfort in the happiness of others. Seeing what I desired made me realize that it was out there and I at least had something to strive towards. So I guess, even in depression there are glimpses of happiness.

Depression can be crippling. I remember a week where I didn't leave my house once. Literally. Didn't go to the end of my driveway. If I'm honest, didn't even walk near the door. I cannot remember now if I even thought about going outside. All I remember is being at the post office one day and realizing that it had been 8 days prior to that day since I had been outside. I think an important part to working past your depression is to set small realistic goals for yourself. Find someone who truly cares about you (or as I did, an internet 'stranger' that I feel certain saved my life) that you can share these goals with who will take pride in you accomplishing them. For me such goals on some days consisted of 'make my bed' or 'phone my mom'. If I woke up in a horrible funk, such a goal would be the only thing I set for myself. On better days, I would set bigger goals, or more small goals. When I accomplished this goal (or goals) I would email or text my buddy who would tell me how proud she was of me. On days when I couldn't accomplish the goal, I owned this. And when I told my buddy, she would tell me how proud she was that I had admitted to myself I couldn't do it. Knowing when you just cannot do something is so important.

Depression can be deceptive. There were days when I would wake up and feel amazing. I would feel like my old self; happy and care-free. I felt as though I could accomplish anything. This high point might last more than one day. I would find myself thinking that I had beat my depression and my life was going back to normal. I was 'recovered'. And then I would wake up from a nightmare, drenched in sweat and tears, and I would lay in bed for the entire day. I've learned that depression is something that never entirely goes away. It fades and it comes around less often, but there may always be days when I wake up and feel really down about my life. Before these days would just be those sad days that each person experiences. But because I've experienced depression, these days for me feel like a shadow of the worst days of my life. Does this mean I am depressed still? No, it just means that I'm able to remember something I've experienced and compare it to something similar that I may be experiencing in the present. What I mean to say is this; although you will come to a point where you are no longer depressed, you will always carry that time with you. Just as you carry other pieces of your past with you. Does depression have to define you? Absolutely not. But it does become a part of your journey, a part of what has gotten you to the place that you now stand in.

Depression is like the giant disconnect. This may not make sense but for me depression was at times somewhat of an out of body experience. At night when I was trying to fall asleep, or during the day if I was too caught up in my thoughts, I would get trapped inside my head. I would feel as though I was looking down on layers of thoughts. I was so far inside my head that I felt as if I wasn't really there anymore. I was looking down on all my problems. I was somehow disconnected from myself even. And I would have to reach out and touch something or someone to make myself aware that I was still in existence. That I was not in fact above myself watching everything happen.

Depression is a funny thing that I've only recently come to understand. It takes so many different shapes and forms that it is difficult to get a grasp on. It makes you feel ashamed, which in turn makes it hard to seek help. It's a vicious cycle.

Most importantly: depression is surmountable. Although it may not seem like it while it is happening, you can get to the other side. It isn't easy. In fact it can be a very long and difficult journey. There is no time line for something like depression; we all deal in our own ways and at our own pace. Once you admit that you are depressed though you can begin to work on things and one day you will be able to look in the mirror and recognize yourself again. Be patient and understanding with yourself. Know that you will never be the exact same version of yourself that you were before, but strive towards being a new 'better' version of that same person. Take the opportunity to grow and change some things about yourself that you have never loved. Learn to love yourself again.

With desire, you can and will achieve this.

An Introduction

I've decided that I do still need to introduce myself, at least some what. While I do not wish to spend alot of time on this, it does remain necessary for you to learn who I am on some level.

This is hard for me to write, much harder than by all rights it should be. Before, this used to bother me. How can I possibly not know who I am? Now I have realized that there is actually reason and logic behind this (which comforts me greatly). I've experienced a great deal of change in my life in recent years. As a direct result of this I've grown. I'm not the same person I once was, and this is an amazing, beautiful thing. And because of all this change and growth, I'm not entirely sure who I am. It is really a story that is still being written.

Although labels have always bothered me because I do not feel as though most things fit neatly behind them, I'm going to break my own rules and label myself.

I'm a young woman, currently furthering my education. I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a birthmother. I love deeply, I can be very serious and very silly, and I love change but hate it all at the same time. I'm certain about some things while being entirely unsure about others. I'm impatient, stubborn, and creative. I'm redefining what happiness is and can be for me. I just am who I am, no apologies.

And more than anything else, I'm excited to figure out all the rest.

A Fresh Start (To Life, and Blogging)

Alright. Here it is, a hard truth to kick off the new blog:

I suck at blogging.

In my defence, I have recently been struggling with the nasty 'D' word. Depression that is. I could delve into this, but using my better judgement I realize that this is not the time. You will see more on this later.

My first attempt at blogging was awful. Why? Because it was all about the adoption. While I love my daughter Elodie deeply, speaking about her can be difficult. Sometimes I cannot find the words and at other times when I find them I cannot find a way of sharing them. As any birthmom will tell you: it's complicated.

Because I was finding blogging about the adoption to be such a struggle, I decided to attempt something new and just blog about life. Maybe this seems silly to some, to have such a strong desire to blog. Perhaps at this point, many would have just given up and realized it was not for them. I guess I'm too stubborn for that. Writing has always been so therapeutic for me and I really felt (and still feel) as though blogging is an anonymous way for me to share my experiences. It just seemed like something I needed.

But then, it still didn't get any easier. I was met by a new challenge. I felt this deep unexplicable need to explain myself on my blog. This was hard because I have such a vast array of experiences that I have encountered in my short twenty-two years. I began to focus on the negative things I have been through. Once again, I faced the issue of not being able to find the words to describe these experiences. Before long, depression swooped over me and I couldn't think of one single word I wanted to say about anything.

Now? I want a fresh start.

At everything. Mostly life, as it is time to move forward. But also at blogging. I'm not going to delve much into the past. Maybe at certain moments, in regars to particular instances if I feel the desire or need. For the most part though I'm leaving my past behind. I'll bring some things with me, but it's high time to start living in the present. What I've come to realize is that if you spend all of your time fretting over the past, or worrying about the future, you never really enjoy anything. It's no wonder I was failing for so long to pull myself out of my depression. I thought the key was in sorting out my past when it's really about accepting that the past cannot be changed and moving forward.

And so here it is, my new blog. A place where I will come once a week to release my thoughts and work through this beautiful mess we call life.

I look forward to the journey,
xo.